There is a saying that I just recently saw that speaks real about relationships:
“No relationship is all sunshine, but two people can share an umbrella and survive the storm together.”
Marriage is definitely different from what I expected it to be before getting married. This blog post has been on my mind for a while but I was not sure how I wanted to write it. I didn’t want to spill every detail of my relationship, but I also wanted to be real about my marriage and share what I’ve learned. If this blog reaches to only one person and helps save their relationship then I’ve done what I’ve set to do.
It will be three years of marriage for us in November. There are times where I know what he is going to do or say before he even says it. That’s what living together and marriage will do to you. He knows whats gets on my nerves and vice versa.
After we had our first child, I became depressed. I would literally cry over anything. When people would ask how I’m doing, I would just burst out in tears. Not because I didn’t want Brooklyn, but because I couldn’t express my emotions any other way. My husband would try his best to comfort me by asking if there was anything he could do, but frankly, that would make me even more mad and start crying more. I wanted him to KNOW why I was crying.. not ASK me. Honestly, nine times out of ten, I didn’t even know why I was crying. He would have a weekly night out with the guys and I would be alone with Brooklyn thinking “Why can’t I have that?” and ” How can he just do whatever he wants?” That got me more upset. After a while of being in a slump, divorce was often talked about between us.
I couldn’t change my husband, and until I actually changed my mentality, I knew that nothing was going to change. My husband and I had some deep heart to heart conversations about how to strengthen our marriage. And I want to share what we talked about with you:
6 things that can restore your relationship
- Do not compare your relationship. In my opinion, this is the biggest killer of relationships. Especially in this day and age when social media is at its highest, it is very easy to compare EVERYTHING with what every one else has. However, what this secret killer does is make you doubt what you have currently creating tension and turmoil in your life. You start resenting your spouse for them not doing something you saw another persons spouse do for them on Instagram or Facebook. Comparing your relationship with others, will not be an overnight destruction; but a long, drawn out murder to your current life.
- Be selfish. This is not to be how it sounds. I just mean that when you stop doing things that are purely just for you, you start forgetting who you are as a person. Allowing yourself to go to Starbucks and indulge in your latest read, or having your weekly guys night out that you have been doing for years. Not stopping what you LOVE to do just because you are married.
- Remember the little things. Remember when you first got married or first entered your relationship, they opened the car door or bought you flowers for no reason? Fast forward to now.. how often does that still happen? I cannot speak for everyone, but the simple, small things mean more to me than buying me the latest Michael Kors purse. However, this goes both ways. I suggest ASKING your SO (significant other) if there was anything that you did at the beginning of your relationship that you do not do now.
- Do not expect too much. Expecting your SO to know what you are thinking and then getting mad when they don’t do it. This may not be for everyone and I can only speak for my own marriage, but this definitely put a stress on both of us. He would expect me to do something he never told me, and vice versa. We would get mad at each other and it would turn into a big argument. Recently, my husband and I sat down and told each other what we expect out of each other as spouses. I think setting clear expectations leads to a lot fewer headaches and arguments.
- Say I’m Sorry when you actually mean it, not just to say it. Apologizing and saying I’m sorry have a different meaning than saying the one word ‘sorry’. It is actually taking the time to THINK about why you are apologizing to your significant other. The meaning of ‘sorry’ is often lost when someone just says it too often just because they don’t want any hard feelings.
- Kiss him goodnight. I, of all people, knows that this is easier said than done. When I am mad at my husband, the last thing I want to do is give him a kiss goodnight. I think it is my ego that if I give him a kiss, then it means that he won the argument. But this little gesture of a ‘kiss’ has more power than any I love you. Not only does a kiss reduce any tension, but it also releases a hormone called oxytocin or the ‘happy hormone’ that gives you and your partner an instant connection.
When all said and done, it’s just you and your spouse at the end of the day. My marriage is far from being perfect, and frankly will never be, but taking these things I’ve learned to action, has really helped the strength of my relationship with my husband.
I know that no relationship is not all sunshine, but there’s no other person I’d want to go through the rainstorms then you, babe.
I would love to hear other relationship advice from you as well. Comment with your best tips and advice!